Photo © PopCultureGeek.com Some rights reserved.

I’m not gonna lie—I watch every blessed moment of the Oscars, from the opening montage to the “Wait, when did they die?” in memoriam reel to the feast of awkward celebrity banter and the inevitable interpretive dance/circus portion of the evening.

I love all the pomp and circumstance, even if there is more than a kernel of truth to host Billy Crystal’s wisecrack last night that “Nothing takes the sting out of these tough economic times like watching a bunch of millionaires giving golden statues to each other.”

Or, you know, getting paid to wear amazing dresses and obscenely expensive jewelry.

Yes, the Oscars are actually a huge payday for celebrities and the brands that swathe them in fabric and strap 10,000-carat earrings onto their precious lobes. A recent article in the New York Post detailed the lengths designers will go to in order to dress the year’s hottest stars. Celebs rake in fees ($200,000 is apparently on the “low end”), paid trips to European fashion shows, and free clothes, while their stylists may receive vouchers for liposuction or plastic surgery to curry favor with their clients.

When the right match is made, however, it means huge exposure for the designer (especially an up-and-comer), and for the celebrity, the possibility of attaining fashion icon status.

Merle Ginsberg, senior writer at the Hollywood Reporter, notes that landing on the best-dressed list can lead to other endorsement deals, magazine covers, and even future film offers. “It can change people’s perceptions of an actress,” she says, “and it can have just as much impact as winning the trophy they’re nominated for.”

But while Hollywood glamour is as old as the movies, it turns out that the whole notion of a celebrity stylist is still relatively new—and with good reason. Before the turn of the century (a whole 12 years ago), things were a little bit simpler in La La Land. Back then, if a celebrity wore a God-awful frock to the Academy Awards, sure, it would be out there in cyberspace, mocked by what’s left of Joan Rivers, and talked about around the water cooler the next morning—but it wouldn’t be broadcast and torn to shreds on every conceivable form of media the moment she pops into view.

These days, within 0.34 microseconds of a star setting foot on the red carpet (yes, I’ve timed it), the public has already begun their brutally honest assessment of her attire via Facebook updates, short, biting tweets, and live blogs everywhere.

Of course, when a celebrity makes a splash at the Oscars, these same digital communications channels provide for millions of dollars in free advertising for both star and brand alike. Given the stakes, is anyone really surprised that Jessica Chastain didn’t just walk into Bloomingdale’s and pick out any old thing?

I have to say, after watching last night’s show, I’m actually a little disappointed that no one stood out as a clear “Was she drunk when she got dressed today?” contender. Sure, the aftermath following such an appearance might be a tad ugly for all concerned—but doesn’t that make the whole night just a little bit more interesting? Where’s Cher when you need her?

Oh, well.

To conclude my post, I will now do my own part in furthering these sky-high red carpet deals by presenting a non-fashionista’s brief appraisal of last night’s hits and misses—just because I want to:

Jessica Chastain (McQueen): One of the big hits of the night—not my style, but the black and gold is quite striking. Also, she gets points for being a redhead.

Gwyneth Paltrow (Tom Ford): I hate to admit it, but her ensemble rocks. (Although it has nothing to do with all the gluten she hasn’t been eating.)

Jennifer Lopez (Zuhair Murad): Meh. Not really into stripes so much. Also, it definitely looked like there was a nip-slip situation going on when she was presenting with Cameron Diaz.

Berenice Bejo (Elie Saab): I like the mint color and the sheer sleeves, but her hair kind of bothers me.

Milla Jovovich (Elie Saab): Classic Hollywood glamour—one of my faves. Also, she’s tall, so she, too, gets bonus points.

Shailene Woodley (Valentino): This just looks too much like something your great-grandmother would have been buried in.

Meryl Streep (Lanvin): Love.

Emma Stone (Giambattista Valli): I’m sorry, it’s Nicole Kidman all over again.

Viola Davis (Vera Wang): I want to like this more, but it reminds me of lettuce.

Sandra Bullock (Marchesa): A little too baggy on top. She’s worn better.

Melissa McCarthy (Marina Rinaldi): Girl, you’re hilarious—but I cannot get behind this dress. I’m not sure if it’s the neckline or what, but I’m just not feeling it.

Natalie Portman (Dior): Sorry, Natalie, not into polka dots, and it didn’t quite seem to fit up top. Also, your hair looked kind of greasy to me. Too much gel, methinks?

Michelle Williams (Louis Vuitton): I know this dress was another critical favorite, but I just keep thinking about those old-lady bathing suits with the big skirts at the waist.

Rooney Mara (Givenchy): I like the dress, but her bangs scare me ever so slightly.

Angelina Jolie (Versace): The whole leg thing (a meme sensation!) was a bit much. Also, my feelings on her arms mirror my feelings on Rooney Mara’s bangs.

Octavia Spencer (Tadashi Shoji): Simple, elegant, very flattering. Thumbs up.

Miss Piggy (Zac Posen): Have you ever seen a pig age so well?